S Is Not For Superman

 Well, who'd have thought it, turns out the S isn't an S at all and it absolutely doesn't stand for Superman. Nice new suit, no sign of the red pants outside the trousers, not that they ever were trousers but that was the old gag, "if Superman's so smart, how come he wears his pants outside his trousers". Now he doesn't. I guess he smartened up. Though I read they tried the red pants, tried them all ways apparently. Couldn't make them work, not for today's sophisticated 14 year olds. No sir.
What we need this reboot around is an altogether darker blue suit and a really rich red cape and no pants. he's smarter remember. Oh, is he?

Saw the Man of Steel yesterday - if it's such a big hit how come the cinema was about a fifth full? - I digress.  From the word go I got a bad feeling. That feeling I get when actors eyes are moving around in close ups when they should be still, perfectly still.

I learned that from Sir Michael Caine. He knows a thing or two about close ups and was in that other DC comics hero movie, Batman, the one directed and produced by Chris Nolan, who wears a suit on set but not a dark blue one with a cape. Nolan produces here and shares a story credit, Zack Snyder gets to direct. Unfortunately Russell Crow has never had the benefit of an acting lesson with Michael Caine, his eyes were everywhere and boy did he do a lot of ACTING in this movie.

It all kicks off on Krypton - like so many Superman origin movies before - the planet is doomed, about to blow, Jor El has got to send his kid off into space to...oh hell, you know how it goes. Did we need twenty minutes of this or was it just down to the fact that with the Crow on board you've got give the great bearded one ample opportunity to waggle his eyes and look concerned. I can confirm he did both - but we didn't need it - or the four winged flying dragon thing he used as a taxi.

So, the El kid gets booted off to Earth while General Zod - yes it's THAT Superman plot again - gets all antsy about protecting the bloodline of the Kryptononians ( I have no idea what they're called, they can't be Kryptonites, that's the green rock stuff - of which there was NO sign in this movie so they must be saving that up for the next one when they'll drag Lex Luthor's ass back cos Zod and Lexy-baby are the only two antagonists allowed in a Superman movie by law). Anyway, Zod and his sidekicks get frozen and are propelled into space prison in what looks like rocket powered dildos. Huh? Did no-one notice, or did they put that in just so the twelve year old boys could fnar fnar.

They could have done all this Krypton stuff in five minutes. But then it wouldn't have been so dark. And Dark is what they're going for here. You can hear the pitch now - "Worked for Batman, it'll work for Superman"

Except...

It doesn't.

No really, believe me. Nolan's Batman was a joy. But Bruce Wayne is a guy with gizmos and a cave-full of personal issues to wade through.
Superman is a god. He's indestructible - it's there in the title: Man of Steel. Once he's gotten used to the idea that he's different from all the other kids - and again, did we need this hammered home four or five times? - once he's used to that then his job is to save people and be the all American hero - but how can anyone best him. Hence the Zod plot. That's why Lex and the Kryptonite awaits.  

For what seemed like an hour we are treated to ol' Suppy and Zod smashing through buildings that then collapsed, exploded, imploded, shattered, twist and eventually turn to dust. They have fist fights neither could win cos they're both 'men of steel' so no matter how hard either one hits the other neither is going down.

So, while all that's going on lets flip a few hundred cars on the streets of Metropolis while people look up and wonder - instead of running the fuck away. I would, wouldn't you?

Here's the good bit, young Clark and his human mom and dad, his adoptive parents in Kansas, on the farm,  Kevin Costner and Diane Lane. Shot like an indie movie the flashback are the only real sections that involve us with characters we might feel something for. I don't know about you but CGI stunts are getting old pretty fast. WE KNOW IT'S NOT REAL so less is more.

What I really wanted was Joss Whedon to have directed and written this. Those guys at Marvel understand the single most important thing when it comes to superpeople films - they have to have humour. Have to. Absolutely. Without humour what have you got...oh yeah, Man of Steel. Barely a quip in the whole movie. Batman got away with it because Batman was a drama dressed up as a superhero movie - but Bruce Wayne has no superpowers and nor do any of his enemies.

As Superman Henry Cavill is fine and dandy. With a few amusing lines he'd have been better - but no one on the planet would ever look better in that suit. Amy Adams - wonderful actress, if you haven't seen it, go see The Fighter - does what she can with Lois Lane but she gets saddled with some god awful lines ("I'm a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist" yeesh) and doesn't have that much more to do than a Dr Who assistant from the 70's. And please, could someone explain to the makers the effect G-forces have on the human body before the next outing. Lois scooped up and flown away at seven times the speed of sound might look a little more ruffled than she is here.

When I saw Christopher Reeve in Superman The Movie I was twenty years old. It gave me a lump in my throat, thrills, laughs and a wonderful cinematic experience. When he catches Margot Kidder as Lois as she falls he looks into her eyes and says, "I've got you". She looks into his and says, "Yeah, but who's got YOU?" I cared about them. Sorry but I didn't care about the Man of Steel.

By the way, the S on his chest isn't an S at all. It means...hope.

Hope the next one's better.