Oscars

So, it's all over for another year. The statues were handed out the speeches were made. Applause, applause, applause.

As a Brit I have two choices how I watch - stay up and go right through the night, or record and watch later. Well, what would you do?

Recording means I can skip the ads...and the walk ups...make it tighter so it zips along. Except Oscar never zips along. This year he stumbled along like an 84 year old on a zimmer frame.

Nowhere in my dreams have I ever dared to think about being the recipient of one of those little golden men, it ain't gonna happen, it's not on the radar. But I have been to other awards ceremonies where I've been nominated and also won things. Let me tell you this - you spend all day waiting for your category to come up and then it's over and done in the blink of an eye, moments if your lucky, a minute or two if you're a star.

Awards ceremonies generally suck. Was that always the case? Maybe I've just grown bored with the notion, I'm sure the presenters were funnier in days gone by, the recipient speeches sharper, better thought out. Thank God for Christopher Plummer this year, a man who'd thought about what he wanted to say, said it, got a laugh and went off smiling.

And Meryl too. She done good too. But best make-up for The Iron Lady - winning over harry Potter? What? Don't ask me.

Most of what transpired on Oscar's big night this year was...dross! There, I've said it. It was not a good show.

And can someone tell me why Angelina Jolie thought that standing on stage posed like some kind of skeletal hooker was a good thing?

Billy Crystal chalked another mark on the presenting duties wall, nine times! He's been good in the past - which is where his career is, and where most of his jokes this year would sit better. Seen it, done it Bill. Look, I've laughed along with Billy but when you come out glistening like a white billiard ball, pumped that full of botox you can't furrow your brow any more I start wondering where the self-awareness has gone?

So many gags fell on deaf ears this year - better to be deaf, you didn't have to hear them, they stank so bad. I had to open my window to let the stench out after Robert Downey Jr and Gweneth Paltrow did their 'hilarious' skit to announce best documentary. Jeez Louise! This is Hollywood, where you have the pick of every comedy writer in town and they go with that? Sheesh.

There were no surprises, all awards went pretty much with the betting - except Girl With The Dragon Tattoo beat Hugo to Best Editing. Otherwise the bookies lost nothing. Not a red cent.

When we came out of the cinema after seeing The Artist I said 'That could win the Oscar for best picture' I said that. Predicted it, all those weeks ago. Me and everyone else who came out smiling. It is a wonderful picture, shame only four people in the US have gone to see it. What do they know, Transformers 950 just took 4 billion dollars.

So that's it for another year. the dresses have gone back, the suits, the shoes - you didn't think the stars actually bought those did you? All is done and dusted for another year. What I shall treasure from this years ceremony is the look on Gary Oldman's face as time after time the marvellous Tinker Tailor... lost out to inferior movies. But then, do little golden statues matter?

You bet they do.