Whatever Happened To Watsisface?

When I was heading up the BBC TV Entertainment Department in Birmingham I was sitting in my office late one night, everyone else had gone home, and the phone rang. I pick it up.

"Hello", says a familiar voice but one I didn't immediately place. "Is that Richard Lewis?

"Yes", says I. "Who's this?"

"My name is ****** *****". It was a famous actor who'd had a huge success in the 60's and early 70's with a much loved BBC sitcom. An actor who I knew had fallen on hard times and was known to enjoy a drink early in the day and to keep going. Here he was, on the end of the phone, early evening, having spent a good portion of the day partaking. And it was obvious.

"Iwunnabeonyourshows", he slurred.

"Sorry?"

Pause.

"Wunnayourshows. Me. Be on. Your shows. One. "

What the hell do I say. As one of the two stars of the much loved sitcom he had the world at his feet but I'd heard the stories. The two of them didn't get on and after the show ended they weren't sending each other Christmas cards.

I said something about how much I'd enjoyed his performance on his famous show - which was true.

"Yes, yes" he says, "But thasnotdoinmeanyfuckingoodnow issit?"

Now what do I say.

"Look, I reckon the BBC owes me one,right. I wunnabeon Call My Bluff"

Now I'd brought  Call My Bluff back to TV after eight years off the air. It was a genteel BBC 2 word game previously hosted by Robert Robinson with team captains Frank Muir and Patrick Campbell, a man whose stutter could go on for a minute or more (try getting that one past a commissioner these days) and later with the most gentle of gentle gentlemen Arthur Marshall. My task was to find new faces for the roles of host and team captains and retool the thing for BBC 1.

I knew immediately I wanted Alan Coren for one captain, a comic genius whose writing I had devoured in Punch, Bob Holness was installed as host/referee and I didn't take much convincing that Sandi Toksvig should sit opposite the sainted Coren. Alongside the captains we found all kinds of wonderful people from television and radio, showbiz, writers, gardeners, scientists and sports people to come on and try and Bluff their way through definitions of obscure words. It was completely joyous, one of the most delightful shows you could ever be associated with and produced on a day to day basis by a lovely lady called Helena Taylor.

The only problem we had was the man who 'created' the show - at least he said he's created it and was in dispute with another company that said they owned the rights. After much legal to-ing and fro-ing we were lumbered with the man who claimed it to be his creation. He was a shit. A horrible, horrible man who revelled in his position as copyright owner. So much so that he insisted he have approval of all the guests. He wanted no actors, no comedians, no singers - to be honest it was a job to know what he wanted. If I'd suggested the Queen Mother I dare say he'd have been sniffy.


We tried to work with him but it wasn't to be, he was living in the past. We couldn't work like that so I took the decision to go our own way. We went ahead and booked those people we felt would work best on the show.

One day he arrived with his little dog, complaining that the hotel he'd been booked into wasn't happy having his pouch on the premises and started to have a go at Helena. He had her in tears, this was wrong, that was wrong, we shouldn't have people like this on the show or like that. He'd overstepped the mark and caught the full force of my anger. I told him to go away and never come back, he was not welcome at the BBC anymore. And that was the last we saw of him - but not the last we heard of him. Lawyers swapped letters for months. At least he was out of our hair.

The stupid thing was, the show was hugely popular and he was paid handsomely for every episode - and there were five episodes a week!

That aside Call My Bluff was a delight to be associated with - but I couldn't risk having the drunk actor, on the other end of my phone on the show. Not for our sake or his.

So that night, in my office, I fobbed him off. I thanked him for calling and promised I would discuss the possibility of him making an appearance with Helena.

I did. And three seconds after it was discussed we made the decision.

He never appeared.