A Full Confession

I would like to put it on record that I have never had any dealings with Rebekah Wade/Brooks - or anyone else called Rebekah whether they spell their name with a K or not. Though I was once briefly acquainted with someone called Beccy who I suspect might have been a Rebbeca but that was never confirmed. She only brought the deserts to our table we never really got to know each other much beyond that. And anyway, I heard a chap call her Trixie so I suspect she was wearing someone elses badge.

I digress.


I have never met or associated with any member of the Murdoch family, no close relatives, no friends or hangers-on.

I have never been arrested by a member of the Metropolitan Police, whether squeaky-clean or bent as a corkscrew. I have never asked a policeman for directions or enquired as to the time. If I had, how could I have been sure that the answer was truthful? Had I been told it was 16.38 could I be certain? Could I place my faith in this information or should I seek another source? And should that source be another member of the constabulary or would I be better off with a bus driver or a dog warden? 

I have never knowingly hacked anyone's phone. I wouldn't know how, I can barely use my ageing Nokia E60 and the home phone is rubbish. We get a lot of wrong numbers where people speak on a crossed line in foreign accents and no matter how loud I shout no-one seems able to hear me.

I have never knowingly attended a party/spa/social gathering organised by a former editor/assistant editor/journalist/policeman or private eye, working on behalf of the Murdoch family, their friends relatives or known associates. Or their pets.

I once bought The Sun.

It was Thursday March 13th 1986. It was raining, I used it as a hat - though I confess I sneaked a look at the headline - it was something about a comedian eating a rodent. 

However, given the weight of evidence stacking up against us all it can only be a matter of time before events catch up with me. I, like everyone else in this country, will soon fall foul of the domino-effect sweeping the nation toppling all before it. And not just here but America, Australia and other parts of Rupert' World.

It is for that reason that I intend to jump before Ed Milliband calls for my head. I hereby tender my resignation with immediate effect.

I shall in future be spending more time with my family. None of whom own phones.