I Could Write A Book

Generally I don't tell civilians I'm a writer. I'm not ashamed, embarrassed or trying to be coy and I'm not trying to hide anything. It's just that the moment someone I don't know asks "What do you do" there's always a beat before I answer. I don't suppose Stephen Poliakoff has this problem, but RLL ain't SP.

Instant honesty causes too many conversations I'd rather not have. If I'm stopped in the street by someone with a clipboard and they ask some questions and then ask what I do, I don't always tell the truth. If I say engineer there's rarely a comeback. I go on my way. If I say engineer no-one says "Really, what are you working on? " But if i say writer they ask 'anything I might have read? then I have to explain I don't write books but TV and film and radio. "Anything I might have seen?' And then we're into how do you think it all up and my brother's been trying to write a sitcom for years, perhaps you could have a look at it, give him some tips on where he's going wrong.

That last one always gets me. I want to shout. Isn't it obvious where he's going wrong, he needs to finish the fucking thing. Sitcoms may take a while to gestate but they don't take years to write.

But I don't shout. I smile, switch to automatic pilot, listen for a few minutes then check my watch. An important meeting always awaits we writers - we wish.

Another response the word "Writer" triggers is, "You should write something about where I work. I tell you, it's hilarious".

"Yeah, what do you do?"

"The abattoir, eleven years. You'd never believe what goes on".

"Tell me".

"Funny stuff. Christ, we barely stop laughing"

"Surely you're not laughing when you're killing cows?"

"No. But the rest of the time, hilarious. You should write it"

"I should write what?"

"The funny stuff".

"Yeah? Tell me".

"Aw, you know, incredible. You'd never believe it".

At this point I want to grab them by the throat and squeeze until they tell me a funny story about the hilarious things that happen in their laugh-a-minute place of work. But I don't. I smile and walk on, hoping that one day the "I could write a book" brigade will actually do that. 

If you are a civilian, a normal person, who has the great good fortune to work somewhere that throws up ten stories a day - write them down. Not everything that happens in the workplace is interesting or funny beyond it, the specific language or environment doesn't always travel - but some of it might. And if you've ever uttered the words "I could write a book" now is the time to do it. With e-books now making real money for their authors - serious money - there's never been a better time.

Which reminds me - I should write a book.