It's All Bloody Shakespeare's Fault.

As a coda to my blog about cliche and lack of surprise I got so angry last night watching a movie I had to vent my spleen here.

I caught some of "Dinner with Friends", a movie that stars Denis Quaid (when is he ever less than brilliant?) Greg Kinnear, Andie McDowell and Toni Collette (who is a dead ringer for my wonderful radio producer of old, Jo, so it's always disconcerting watching Ms Collette in emotional breakdown).

I joined twenty minutes in - Greg Kinnear and Toni Collette are going at it hammer and tongs. They are tearing each other apart and ripping up the scenery. I quickly surmise that there is a problem, I'm quick like that, their marriage is effectively over. 

This is high octane stuff and very believable. The verbal abuse gives way to violence as Toni Colette strikes out at Greg Kinnear and the two begin a physical fight - this is painful, well written, well acted drama. 

But now he pins her to the bed - uh-oh - alarm bells ring in my head.

She rolls on top of him, he rolls on top of her and they're still shouting at each other. Now I'm saying to myself don't spoil it, don't, don't...and of course they do. 

They Kiss. 

Well. 

What started out as an honest, gripping piece of drama ends in cliche.

You could have seen exactly the same thing acted out on the penultimate episode of the Matt LeBlanc comedy Episodes. Tamsin Greig has an almighty row with Matt Le Blanc at his Malibu beach house, she gets violent, he pins her to the couch and...

They kiss.

The same thing happen in dozens of movies and hundreds of TV shows. And you know what, when someone is writing that and they get to the point in the argument where the 'kiss' pops into their mind do they think "nahh, cliche". Do they think, let's go another way?

Int. Bedroom. Night

...she lashes out at him, her fist crunching into his nose, making his eyes water. Now he's really angry. He pins her to the bed, she struggles beneath him. But he's bigger, stronger than her, she can't move. Their eyes lock, his lips move towards hers and --

-- before he can kiss her she knees him in the balls.

Or bites off his nose

Or spits in his eye

Or headbutts him

Or bursts out laughing

Anything but that kiss.

You know what I think,  I think what happens is the writer convinces themselves that although they've seen it before maybe the audience hasn't. And when they've written it and no-one challenges it they walk around thinking they invented that moment. Good luck with that thought because we know different.

It all began in Padua. If Katherine, the Shrew, had never been tamed maybe the kiss that diffuses the argument would never have become the cliche that it is. Bloody Shakespeare.

Outcasts - Cast Out

Outcasts

And so, with a great fanfare and much ballyhoo the BBC unveiled its new Sci-Fi blockbuster Outcasts. With Earth having suffered a nuclear war, the hope for the human race lies beyond the stars on a planet called Carpathia (named, no doubt, after the ship that saved the survivors of the Titanic). This planet is rich in cliche and utterly devoid of humour, a place where no-one seems to learn anything. It's what we call a reset show. No matter what happens in an episode everything is fine again at the start of the next.

Outcasts has not done well. Although it got off to a reasonable ratings start people didn't stick around in sufficient numbers to warrant its prime spot of 9 0'clock Monday night. It has now been cast to the outer regions of the weekend schedule.

South Riding

I doubt that the same fate will befall South Riding, the BBC new costume drama for Sunday evening. It's written by one of our best scribes, Andrew Davies and boasts a cast of fine and brilliant actors. However, anyone watching closely will have picked up on another raft of cliches and inevitabilities. For example, if four women go for the job of headmistress of a girl's school and three are waring grey coats and hats and one wears a bright red dress and lipstick which one will get it? Any ideas? Guess.

And what about the fat councilor with a bible in his pocket and a fire and brimstone delivery from the pulpit; a man who rages against fallen women. Any chance he might fall from grace and partake of a little back street love? Right again. As he stood by the chapel door and spied his 'fallen woman' of choice a saxophone on the soundtrack (the internationally recognised sound of dirty sex) alerted us to the up-coming sexual shinanigens.

And then there was the local squire who didn't much take to Little Miss Red Dress and her Bolshevik utterances. When he headed one way muttering, "Bloody woman" and she headed in the opposite direction uttering, "Bloody man" did we really think they would remain enemies or that Fairy Cliche would wave her wand and soon they'd be making up. The make up scene was hilarious; he was trying to birth a calf, her car ran out of petrol outside the barn.Soon they both had their arms up the cows rear end.

It's all very safe and jolly and as I mentioned earlier inevitable. The BBC likes to keep it safe on Sunday, in fact it might be worth floating a series called just that "Safe on Sunday" where rich toffs in top hats help poor urchins and everybody smiles.

I know everyone doesn't want to be challenged but don't we all like to be surprised? Cliche is a killer. Any writer will tell you how easy it is to stumble and fall without realising but it's certainly something every writer should think about when reading that recently sweated over script.


If cliche is there, get rid. It might mean a rewrite but your viewers will thank you for it in the end.

One of the biggest surprises I ever had was watching ER. Now we know that in its hey-day it was the best medical drama on television. They had a character called Dr Romano. He was brash, insensitive, bigoted and sometimes racist. Although he was a deliberately unpleasant and cruel character, he also frequently provided comic relief, and thus became popular with viewers as ER's "man you love to hate". (Compelling characters does not mean 'nice').

At the beginning of the ninth series, whilst evacuating a patient, Dr. Romano backed into the tail rotor blades of a helicopter and BAM lost his arm. HIS ARM! He was a surgeon.

It was one of the single most shocking moments I've ever witness on TV. And it was over in seconds. They didn't dwell on the shot. Give you four different angles. Slow it down. Watch the reaction on the the faces of everyone gathered. It happened. It was over.They could have continued to milk that character for at least another series but no. They went for surprise.

When stories become safe and predictable and no-one ever learns anything from their actions we get bored and turn off - and the show gets cast out.

A lesson for us all.

The Alien in The Room

We went out to see Paul last night, the movie starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Although we went for the early evening show the place was packed - and the queue outside for the next show was enough to tell me this is going to be a big money spinner. I got to interview Pegg and Frost (and director Edgar Wright separately) when Hot Fuzz came out. They are likeable, intelligent men who think about their comedy, love genre movies and most importantly are prepared to drive the miles and do all the publicity they can for their films. I've enjoyed their work since Spaced.
So, going in, I'm on their side. Really. 100%
Coming out, I was trying to stay on their side having been disappointed.

If you know nothing about Paul here's the plot: Two English slackers, on holiday in America visiting UFO sites, bump into a real life E.T. on the run from the US Government who wants to go home. Okay, complications ensue but that's it.

If you've seen the trailer you've pretty much seen the best bits.
Don't you just hate that? Every comedy that hits the big screen reveals its funniest moments in the weeks leading up to release. Okay if you rarely go to the cinema, you hear about a film, go and see it and laugh. But if you regularly go you feel short-changed. Where are all the OTHER really funny bits that the trailer hinted at?



Yes, there are moments, Seth Rogan does a good job of voicing the Alien, but in 104 minutes I laughed out loud twice. Okay I smiled and there were some nice bits, but I also got annoyed. Inconsistent characters, the reliance on parodying other alien movies and using swear words to get a laugh with no real comic beat behind it. There a lot of "What the fuck?" moments. There's even a character (played by the every watchable Kristen Wiig) who has a revelation, discovers swearing and thereafter can't stop herself!

"Come on, lets go and see Paul, they can't say 'fuck' enough for me, I crease up every time".

It also boast cameos from the wonderful Jeffrey Tambor (Hank in the Larry Sanders Show) - funny - and Sigourney Weaver - so not funny you wonder why she's there. And be warned there are scenes that go nowhere and do nothing apart from sit there on the screen. Sorry guys, it's not a patch on Shaun Of The Dead or Hot Fuzz.

Look, it's not a terrible film, bits are fun but it's not the cracker I thougt I was going to see (see expectation created by trailer). It's the first time Pegg and Frost have written together. Before it's been Pegg and Edgar Wright. For me, it felt like it was missing Wright as a writer and director. It will do well because there is an audience for Pegg and Frost - and knob gags. But if you like your comedy to spring from the characters - which this so easily could have - I'd say it might not be for you.

HOWEVER, it has a terrific last line. And stay for the end credits.

Meetings 3 - The Rant

A close friend and writer went to a meeting with his agent. They met with three big show business names, two producers and a BIG agent. And a STAR. A recording star who acted and had pull. They were there to discuss a script for Treasure Island which they wanted to make as a big production pantomime.  

My writer friend was told the box office had opened that Monday and taken half a million, sets were 60K and the STAR was getting a good trouserful.  They needed a script in 6 weeks and he was to be available for a month before rehearsals started.  HIS agent said 'so what percentage will you pay?'   To which came the reply 'I've got no money for writers.'   My mate's agent said, 'We've got to go.'

(It was at this meeting that the STAR said to my mate 'I was round at Eric's watching the football last night.'  Then he said 'Oh, sorry, you don't know who I'm talking about - Eric Clapton.'  My mate said, 'Oh, has he got a telly, then?')

This is the sort of tale I hear - and experience - all the time. People claim they are desperate to work with you and yet if you bring up the subject of money - or say 'ring my agent' they cry poverty or you never hear from them again.

There is nothing - nothing, nothing, nothing - without first someone, somewhere writing something. I don't care if it's an 'improvised' comedy, drama or reality show. Nothing gets kicked off, whipped into shape or propelled forward until someone writes something. That person is a writer and writers deserve to be paid for their labour. 

Here's what you get without a writer:

Now, make that.

 

We do not all live on flowers.

Valentine's 'Can't Settle' Day

14th February. Valentines Day. My Birthday. Thank god they didn't call me Valentine - though if they had I'd have been used to it by now. Even so, I have the suspicion that every 14th February I would have hidden from the world. Nothing against all the Valentines out there, one of my best mates growing up was call Val. But he wasn't named after the day he was born on, if he had been he'd be called June Twenty-Fourth.

The stitches from my arm op came out today so it feels a little less tight around the elbow. The temptation is to think I'm now 'all better'. I'm not, the op was about fixing the tendon and freeing up the ulnar nerve, that takes weeks, months. Steady as she goes boy.

I've tried to 'do nothing' as I've been told. You can't 'do nothing', it's impossible. I told myself I'd catch up with all the TV I've recorded and haven't got around to watching That's okay for the first hour, after that it feels like I'm becoming one with the sofa. Maybe it's box set time: The Sopranos, Rome, Mad Men...that should get me through.

I've got a new project at early stages - lots and lots of research, bits of dialogue that point towards character strewn here and there. Plot points, lots of single words underlined three times. I've got a notion of who my main characters are and a good handle on the setting but I'm still playing with the stories. I'm only going for things that happen in this world - I'm not having anyone go sick and ending up in hospital and no-one mysteriously disappears and is sought by the police. You can see those stories on medical shows and cop series. 

Tip: when you're thinking about a new series idea; if the stories work just as well somewhere else you're probably not thinking enough about your stories. Don't set your series in a coal mine if you want to write about doctors.

I feel like I should be knuckling down, firming things up. Getting on with things, it's my work ethic - don't just sit there do something. But it's one of those days and my mind keeps wandering off and I can't settle. If this happens when I'm writing to a deadline I go for a walk, read something, regroup, sit back down and bash away. No time for the muse when the clock is ticking. But today...

I think I'll allow myself to 'go home early' and come back afresh tomorrow. You're allowed to do that on your birthday.

BAFTA AWARDS 2011 - MY PICKS

Neck on the line - my thoughts on the BAFTA awards for 2011. These aren't predictions just my picks of who I think should win.

BEST FILM

BLACK SWAN - Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver, Scott Franklin

INCEPTION - Emma Thomas, Christopher Nolan

THE KING’S SPEECH - Iain Canning, Emile Sherman, Gareth Unwin

THE SOCIAL NETWORK - Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca, Céan Chaffin

TRUE GRIT - Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen, Joel Coen My Bafta goes to...True Grit.

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM

127 HOURS - Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy, Christian Colson, John Smithson

ANOTHER YEAR - Mike Leigh, Georgina Lowe

FOUR LIONS - Chris Morris, Jesse Armstrong, Sam Bain, Mark Herbert, Derrin Schlesinger

THE KING’S SPEECH - Tom Hooper, David Seidler, Iain Canning, Emile Sherman, Gareth Unwin

MADE IN DAGENHAM - Nigel Cole, William Ivory, Elizabeth Karlsen, Stephen Woolley My Bafta goes to...The King's Speech

OUTSTANDING DEBUT BY A BRITISH WRITER, DIRECTOR OR PRODUCER

THE ARBOR - Director, Producer - Clio Barnard, Tracy O’Riordan

EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP - Director, Producer – Banksy, Jaimie D’Cruz

FOUR LIONS - Director/Writer - Chris Morris

MONSTERS - Director/Writer – Gareth Edwards

SKELETONS - Director/Writer – Nick Whitfield My Bafta goes to...Monsters, Gareth Edwards

DIRECTOR

127 HOURS - Danny Boyle

BLACK SWAN - Darren Aronofsky

INCEPTION - Christopher Nolan

THE KING’S SPEECH - Tom Hooper

THE SOCIAL NETWORK - David Fincher My Bafta goes to...Inception, Christopher Nolan

 

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

BLACK SWAN - Mark Heyman, Andrés Heinz, John McLaughlin

THE FIGHTER - Scott Silver, Paul Tamasy, Eric Johnson

INCEPTION - Christopher Nolan

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT - Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg

THE KING’S SPEECH - David Seidler My Bafta goes to...The King's Speech, David Seidler

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
127 HOURS - Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO - Rasmus Heisterberg, Nikolaj Arcel
THE SOCIAL NETWORK - Aaron Sorkin
TOY STORY 3 - Michael Arndt
TRUE GRIT - Joel Coen, Ethan Coen My Bafta goes to...The Social Network, Aaron Sorkin

ANIMATED FILM

DESPICABLE ME - Chris Renaud, Pierre Coffin

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON - Chris Sanders, Dean DeBlois

TOY STORY 3 - Lee Unkrich My Bafta goes to...Toy Story 3

LEADING ACTOR

JAVIER BARDEM - Biutiful

JEFF BRIDGES - True Grit

JESSE EISENBERG - The Social Network

COLIN FIRTH - The King’s Speech

JAMES FRANCO - 127 Hours My Bafta goes to...Jeff Bridges

LEADING ACTRESS

ANNETTE BENING - The Kids Are All Right

JULIANNE MOORE - The Kids Are All Right

NATALIE PORTMAN - Black Swan

NOOMI RAPACE - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

HAILEE STEINFELD - True Grit My Bafta goes to...Heilee Steinfeld, True Grit

SUPPORTING ACTOR

CHRISTIAN BALE - The Fighter

ANDREW GARFIELD - The Social Network

PETE POSTLETHWAITE - The Town

MARK RUFFALO - The Kids Are All Right

GEOFFREY RUSH - The King’s Speech My Bafta goes to...Christian Bale, The Fighter

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

AMY ADAMS - The Fighter

HELENA BONHAM CARTER - The King’s Speech

BARBARA HERSHEY - Black Swan

LESLEY MANVILLE - Another Year

MIRANDA RICHARDSON - Made in Dagenham My Bafta goes to...Lesley Manville, Another Year

ORIGINAL MUSIC

127 HOURS - AR Rahman

ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Danny Elfman

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON - John Powell

INCEPTION - Hans Zimmer

THE KING’S SPEECH - Alexandre Desplat My Bafta goes to...The King's Speech, Alexandre Desplat

CINEMATOGRAPHY

127 HOURS - Anthony Dod Mantle, Enrique Chediak

BLACK SWAN - Matthew Libatique

INCEPTION - Wally Pfister

THE KING’S SPEECH - Danny Cohen

TRUE GRIT - Roger Deakins My Bafta goes to...True Grit, Roger Deakins

EDITING

127 HOURS - Jon Harris

BLACK SWAN - Andrew Weisblum

INCEPTION - Lee Smith

THE KING’S SPEECH - Tariq Anwar

THE SOCIAL NETWORK - Angus Wall, Kirk Baxter My Bafta goes to...Black Swan

PRODUCTION DESIGN

ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Robert Stromberg, Karen O’Hara

BLACK SWAN - Thérèse DePrez, Tora Peterson

INCEPTION - Guy Hendrix Dyas, Larry Dias, Doug Mowat

THE KING’S SPEECH - Eve Stewart, Judy Farr

TRUE GRIT - Jess Gonchor, Nancy Haigh My Bafta goes to...True Grit, Jess Gonchor, Nancy Haigh

COSTUME DESIGN
ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Colleen Atwood
BLACK SWAN - Amy Westcott
THE KING’S SPEECH - Jenny Beavan
MADE IN DAGENHAM - Louise Stjernsward
TRUE GRIT - Mary Zophres My Bafta goes to...Black Swan, Amy Wescott

SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS
ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Sean Phillips, Carey Villegas
BLACK SWAN - Dan Schrecker, Henrik Fett, Michael Capton, William 'Brad' Kalinoski
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 1 - Tim Burke, John Richardson, Nicolas Aithadi, Christian Manz
INCEPTION - Chris Corbould, Paul Franklin, Andrew Lockley, Peter Bebb
TOY STORY 3 - Guido Quaroni, Michael Fong, David Ryu My Bafta goes to...Inception

There are a few categories I've not included. As I said, these aren't predictions of who will walk off with the honours but my pick of the films that get my vote.
What the hell do I know - Alice In Wonderland might scoop an armful. We shall see.

Partners in Crime

Ray Galton & Alan Simpson

From the late eighties through most of the nineties I had a writing partner. I was writing comedy and it made sense. When we went our different ways I discovered that I had the confidence to strike out on my own but in a new direction, drama. Over the past twelve years I've become comfortable with being the only person in the room. I'm hardly unique. However, if you read this blog regularly you'll have picked up that lately I've been writing a sit-com pilot and whilst I'm happy to bash out the first draft I really think that another brain (or, if you're working on a US show, another eight brains) helps. So, once I've finished, off it goes in the email to my writing buddy. He adds, edits, punches up and back it comes and then I do the same. Are we a partnership? I'm sure neither of us think of it that way. We're writing WITH each other, enhancing, polishing the final script. Morecambe and Wise were a double act, The Two Ronnies were individuals who worked together - I think we're more like the latter.

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant

When I think of a writing partnership I think of two men in a room writing together: Galton and Simpson, Clement and La Frenais, Esmond and Larby, Ken Levine and David Isaacs, Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.


What we do is write separately then bring our contributions together. When it comes to comedy I really do think that two brains are better than one. But there has to be chemistry, you both need to understand where the other one is coming from and where he/she's going - and you must TRUST each other. We know where each of our individual strengths are and we play to them.

Two brains should mean twice the funny. If one has missed the opportunity for a line the other can catch it and fill it in the rewrite. If you can top the line that's already there do it in the rewrite. Hone, polish, rewrite. Take out everything that doesn't service the story or move the character on. Of course there has to be a moment when you say - okay, that's enough. But you should never finish, never say 'that'll do'. Not until it's shot and in the can. But there has to be a point at which you say, 'that's it, I'm happy for now. It can go out.' Our show went 'out' this week.

The other thing about writing with someone else is that rewrites get done much quicker. I do believe that once you begin a script speed helps (you should leave the writing until you're sure of your characters and your plots - really sure ). You need pressure, you need a deadline, even if it's a false one. I've talked to first time writers who've spent a year, more, crafting a thirty minute sitcom. Forget it. If it really took you that long, how long would it take you to write a series? The pixie dust doesn't get magically sprinkled with a stamp that says 'commissioned'.  If you really want to write, drama, sitcom, whatever you should spend all your spare time thinking about what you're going to write and writing. You should also spend a good portion of your time reading other scripts and watching TV. Learn from others.

If you're finding it tough but you think you have a comedy voice look around for a partner. It may be someone you grew up with or someone you work with or someone you just met. If you know someone who makes YOU laugh and wants to write then buddy up. Try different ways of working; one paces, the other types, you both improvise into recorder then go back and edit, take the best bit. Write down scenes in an outline and split them up. You take some, your partner takes some. You go away, write separately, then come back together. With email you don't have to live anywhere near each other any more, hell, you don't even have to be in the same country! Whatever works for you.

We have another project on the horizon but before that I'm back to me, a room and a keyboard for my next drama script.

Meetings II

I seem to have hit a nerve with my last post on meetings (see below). Apparently 300 of you have had the same kind of experience. I'm not surprised, they can be the source of much frustration and much hilarity.

Okay, so here's another tale about a meeting. 

This story comes from the world of Commercial Radio, where, many moon ago, two presenters - let's call them Him and Her -  decided it was about time they got a pay rise. It was a City station, doing okay but getting as much from their jocks as humanly possible. Long shifts at the microphone were often extended and when they came off air they were asked to stay later and 'help' around the station. Frankly the place was horrendously understaffed and everyone knew it.

Come Christmas they thought, aha, a little holiday leverage; the manager wouldn't dare sack us if we demand a pay rise at this festive time.  An appointment was made, our jocks turned up at the manager's door and knocked. From the other side comes an "Enter!", like Walter Matthau in The Sunshine Boys. They go in to find their boss in jovial mood.

"We've come to demand a pay rise" they say.
"Yes, yes. But it's Christmas, have a mince pie" says the boss. "Have two".

Now they're eating pies and drinking sherry and there's much laughter and good humour.

"To get back to business," say our DJ's.
"Hang on," says the boss man. "If we're going to talk business we need to know when we're talking business and when we're shooting the breeze".

He then produced three sets of Reindeer Antlers.

"When we're talking business we put the antlers on, when we're just chatting we take the antlers off" says the manager.

A look passes between our two jocks.

"Come on, we just want to talk about..."
"Wait, is this business?"
"Yeah"
"Okay. Antlers on"
They all put their antlers on.
"Thing is, boss,  we're doing twice the amount of work for our pay. We're on the air all hours, working around the off...will you stop laughing!"
"Antlers off!"
"This won't work if we start laughing when we've got the antlers on. We're trying to be serious here"
"Okay. Antlers on. You were saying...?"
Now they all look at each other and collapse in a heap.

This goes on for an hour.

An Hour.

Every time they tried to put their case for a pay rise the boss cried, "Antlers on!"

And no-one could finish a sentence.

They left the office some time later. Pissed and full of pies.

But they never got their pay rise.

Meetings

      

                                       
Writers of a certain age will tell you how easy the commissioning process used to be, this applies to British TV I don't know if it held good in the US. Once upon a time you could propose something to a producer who then had the power to commission it on the spot. Wow. These days it's very different, you have to go through so many hoops and layers of commissioners and executives you have to be a thick-skinned hardy soul to get anything on TV. But it's worth it. Most of the time. You will get notes along the way. Sometimes it's fine. Like minded people, all on the same page.

And then there is the other kind of meeting. The one where you get notes from many different people, some of whom are qualified to offer a note, some of whom leave you wondering if a) they can read at all and b) if they can, did they read your script? You will go to meetings where four people have eleven ideas the script, none of which are consistent with what you've written or what anyone else in the room has said.

Painful as it is, the difficult meeting is not confined to television. I hosted a radio show for a number of years - you gotta pay the mortgage whilst those commissioners are dilly-dallying. I thoroughly enjoyed my time as a radio host and we got great feedback, good figures and played some fine music. But just to show you that 'the difficult meeting' isn't just confined to TV here's how one meeting went.

The Boss: So, the figures are okay.

Me: Just okay? I thought we’d doubled them.

The Boss: Yes but they were very low before.

Me: But now they’re doubled and that’s just okay.

The Boss: The good news is I want you to do another hour.

Me: Because the figures are okay.

The Boss: I’m changing things. How d’you feel about the new show.

Me: I don’t know what the new show is.

The Boss: I told you, it’s three hours.

Me: Okay. But what do you want in it?

The Boss: I don’t work like that 

Me: Sorry? I’m just trying to find out what you want me to do.

The Boss:  Now you’re being awkward.

Me: What do you want?

The Boss: I want you to have fun.

Me: But what do you want me to do?

The Boss: Three hours.

Me: You must have some ideas about what you want in those three hours?

The Boss: I’m not going to sit here having a slanging match.

Me: Okay. What do you want it to be like?

The Boss: People keep telling me you’re creative.

Me: I’d like to think so.

The Boss: So…

Me: So…?

The Boss: I don’t want lots of non entities. Big names.

Me: Define ‘big’.

The Boss: You know who I mean.

Me: Give me one example.

The Boss: I don’t work like that. I’ll tell you if it’s wrong.

Me: I’ll go away and think about it.

The Boss: I need an answer now. Are you going to do the new show?

Me: Subject to contract.

The Boss: Sorry. The press release is written, I’m sending it out this afternoon.

Me: Subject to contract. You want me to do another hour.

The Boss: Why do contracts need to get involved?

Me: Because I’ll be doing another hour.

The Boss: There’s no money.

Me: You want me to work on a show that has no format, no content and is an hour longer than the show I’m doing now for no more money?

The Boss: They said you could be disruptive.

My advice about meetings - be prepared. Go in armed with a pen and pad or a laptop.  Ask your boss/producer/script editor to be specific about what they want. Pin them down. It's amazing how quickly those meeting will be over.

Great Theme Tune...Shame About The Show

The sad news of the composer John Barry's death led me back to my CD collection and his Greatest Hits. Boy, could that man write a tune. His scores for Out of Africa, Born Free, Dances with Wolves, The Lion in Winter were magnificent. Then there was the early 'pop' hits with the John Barry Seven, the shaping of the Bond soundtracks - would 007 have been quite the hit without him? - the Bond songs: Goldfinger, Thunderball (and the song that didn't make it Mr Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) You Only Live Twice, We Have All The Time In The World, Diamonds are Forever. Then there was  The Ipcress File, The Deep, Robin and Marion...it's a long an impressive list, some back catalogue.

In amongst the film scores he also found time to pen some memorable TV theme tunes; The Human Jungle, Orson Welles' Great Mysteries and The Persuaders - the latter ranking in my top five TV theme tunes of all time (what, you don't have a top five?)

I'm pretty sure one of the things that first drew me to spend far too much time in front of the TV were the theme tunes that introduced shows: Rossini's March of the Swiss Soldiers from the William Tell Overture signaled my favourite masked man was about to cry "Hi-yo, Silver! Away!"  ...." and off we'd gallop on another Lone Ranger adventure. Close my eyes and I can hear the band playing as Big Tim Champion and his performers marched down the street announcing that Corky, the Circus Boy, Uncle joey and all his friends had come to town.

I can still sing all the words to the Casey Jones song and Maverick and F Troop. I can hear the sonar ping and tempo changes in the theme from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and the ticking clock in the background of the music that introduced The Time Tunnel. I could hum you BOTH themes to Lost In Space...


All the detectives seemed to have catchy hooks to draw us in to their mysteries; Kojak, Cannon ("a Quinn  Martin production") Ironside (and Ryamond Burr's other crime-fighting character, Perry Mason), Magnum P.I., Cagney and Lacey, Hill Street Blues, The Rockford Files...

 I knew that nose-waggling magic was on the way when I heard the theme to Bewitched, that groans were on the way when I heard the theme to Gilligan's Island, that my weekly fix of classy comedy was coming when Johnny Mandel's theme for M*A*S*H hit the airwaves.

And I could be sure of some wise-crackling, action packed fun when I heard John Barry's theme for The Persuaders.

Of course looking back on these shows you realise that some of them creaked like a four-hundred year old door. They had plot holes you could drive a coach and horses through and were far from the classics you remember. What does linger is the music. I'm not sure 'the golden age of television' was all that it was cracked up to be, I can point to ten series currently showing that would easily fill an all time top 10 chart (you don't have one of those either? Come on, get with the programme). But I do think that the old TV themes were much better at signaling what was to come and therefore have become more memorable.

For those interested check out the box set of 100 Greatest TV themes.

So, what is a sit-com?

I've just read a feature in today's Independent that sets out to explain what an audience sit-com is. Are we that far removed from the form? I know The Office changed the landscape but anyone over thirty will remember a slew of classic audience sit-coms - even if the majority of them are American. Post the Office everyone wanted to make single camera comedy, the slow burn, 'reality' form that owes more to the movies than TV. The Office didn't set the bar higher - it moved the bar and put it in a different field. Comedy was no longer something that we laughed out loud at, it was something more real, more excruciating to view.
Gavin and Stacey changed the game again. Now it was okay to laugh and no-one was being really horrible. Yes life was sometimes tough but the Gavin and Stacey world existed in a kind of nice-com.
Now Miranda has broken through. The critics hate it - all those looks to camera - all those jokes - all those people laughing at funny things. This isn't comedy this is...just a crap old fashioned sit-com that people like and watch in their droves because they don't know any better.

Well, to those critics I say this - the whole bloody point of comedy is to make people laugh. It is not an examination of life, it is not there to bring down the government or cure cancer. It is there to make us laugh.

Why am I so all fired up about sit-com at the moment. Well, a)  I have previous - delve back in the credits, b) I'm writing one at the moment and c) they're so bloody hard to get right. 

So, is it single camera or audience? Middle class or working class? Laugh out loud funny or nuanced? These are the questions you need to ask when you set out on this path, along with gathering some brilliant characters and finding individual voices for them all.

I made my choices some months ago - I can only hope that by the time this ever gets to a screen the pendulum hasn't swung off in another different direction.