And...we're back

The operation on the arm seems to have gone okay but it's one of those things that gets better with time - and with rest. My consultant says that excessive use of a keyboard it verboten. So, most of what's being written here is left handed but having spent three days in a sling with my right arm tightly bandaged even this is a kind freedom.

Writers write.

The op came at an inconvenient time, just when the new sit-com script was approaching a final draft. But here's the thing, writing isn't about typing.

The physical act of striking keys or using a pen - I type, print out, correct in ink, retype - has nothing to do with with the process of writing. What we do when we record is just that, record our thoughts, assemble them into a script. We create the form. There are lots of people who write using dictation.  Some to a person who sits there, rolling their eyes, throwing in the odd," you really want to put that?". Others spout their thoughts into a dictaphone, just like Walter Neff. You can get progrmmes for your computer that will record what you say, you can see it coming up on the screen. But to go this route you need to practice saying your script out loud.

The strange thing is, once you hear what you're thinking it sharpens you up. Your dialogue gets better, your plots get tighter. You can't fool yourlself in quite the same way as when you leave your words, unspoken, on the page. Remember what Harrison Ford said to George Lucas about his Star Wars script, "You can type this shit, George but you can't say it".

Although, I always read my dialogue aloud, I don't speak the whole script. But I'm doing it now. You know what, it really helps. So, I may have one good arm for a while but maybe that's no bad thing.

A Very Short Break

This blog is taking a VERY short break whilst I have an operation on my arm, so, no typing allowed for a short while. It will return just as soon as the fingers can hover over the keyboard once again.

Classy Comedy

Classy Comedy - Harold and Albert Steptoe

 The new controller of BBC1, Danny Cohen, has apparently decided there are too many middle- class sitcoms and not enough working-class ones. Sources say that he feels the Beeb is "too focused on formats about comfortable, well-off middle-class families whose lives are perhaps more reflective of BBC staff than viewers in other parts of the UK", and that we need more of "what he describes as 'blue-collar' comedies".

Off the top of my head - and in no particular order - here are the the 'working-class' British sitcoms I grew up watching: Hancock's Half Hour, Steptoe and Son, Til Death Us Do Part, Open All Hours, Porridge (criminal working class), The Likely Lads and Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads, On The Buses, Rising Damp, Only Fools and Horses and The Royle Family.

The middle-class sitcoms that stick in my mind are Yes, Minister/Prime Minister, Fawlty Towers, The Good Life, Are You Being Served.

There was also a high volume of American sitcoms but here I'm concentrating on class in the Britcom. 

Class has undoubtedly played its part in great sitcom writing; the struggle between the working man and his boss, the struggle between the working man and the system. What many of the earlier working-class comedies share are a) authorship - they were written by Galton and Simpson and b) characters that may have been low down on the ladder but who had mighty aspirations.
The Tony Hancock of Hancock's Half Hour lived in a run down house at 23, Railway Cuttings. He may have had delusions of grandeur but he was in many respects as common as muck. His pretensions were intellectual but the moment he spoke we knew he was all bluff - "Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?".

Harold Steptoe, from Steptoe and Son. was tied forever to his scheming father and yet was always trying to better himself. Yes, he was working class but he wanted to climb out of the mire, be a member of the tennis club, be center stage at the Amateur  Dramatics Society, read the philosophers and watch ballet on television. In one episode he bemoans how he could have been a doctor if his father hadn't held him back "I could have had a string of abortion clinics by now!"

When Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais brought The Likely Lads back to TV as Whatever Happened to The Likely Lads class was at the epicenter of the relationship between the two friends. Bob was middle management, with a  three piece suit, a company car and a sensible wife. Terry was downtrodden working class, bitter about years wasted in the Army. He was unemployed and lived with his mum, the only thing he took to bed was the Racing Post. Bob had aspirations, all Terry wanted to do was drag him back down to their working-class roots. If ever there was a dyed-in-the-wool, know-your-place character in British sitcom it was Terry Collier.

But these characters, and the list of working-class sitcoms above, all came from a different era. Britain has since had a spending spree. With easily available credit the working man could buy his own home, furnish it with middle-class trappings and jet off to Disney World. During the nineties and early years of this this century class struggle was off the sitcom agenda. Now the landscape has changed again, we're living through 'the new austerity', the struggle of the working man is back. But he has changed.

Victor Meldrew as a character is no more. David Renwick may have killed off his famous creation but he may show us the way to a new slate of comedies. I say this because Victor was a working man (albeit retired) who sat well in the contemporary landscape, an extraordinary example of an 'ordinary man'. He railed against life, as so many of us do, shaking our fists at next door's skip that has been dumped outside our door, shouting at the television and finding ourselves on the wrong side of council form fillers.

Rather than 'the working-class' I think a better word for the group underrepresented in TV sitcom at the moment is the 'ordinary' person. And there are plenty of stories to tell about them.

But anyone who thinks writing ordinary people means sinking to the lowest common denominator is wrong. Look at my list of working class sitcoms again. Some of the best written pieces ever to grace the box - and On The Buses. 

So I say bring back the ordinary man - and lets have some more aspiration.

If there is one genuine working class comedy on television today, standing head and shoulders above anything else it is Shameless. It may portray foul-mouthed characters from a sink estate but it sure as hell has the ambition to do it with a style and wit that some other comedy/drama could only dream of.

Aaron Sorkin's Worst Crime

The Social Network

“The worst crime you can commit with an audience is telling them something they already know”.
Aaron Sorkin, screenwriter The Social Network, writer and creator The West Wing

Cut to

A long-running drama series somewhere on British terrestrial TV.



Stressed Woman: Freddie's gone to The Azores

2nd Woman You mean the Archipelago of  nine volcanic islands situated in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean?

Woman: Yes. He won't be back until next Wednesday

2nd Woman: That's the middle of the week famously named after the English god Wodan.

Woman: Um. What the hell, I think I'm going to take up Johnny's offer of a fling.

2nd Woman: An extra-marital affair?

Woman: He's so loving and his wife has claustrophobia.

2nd Woman: The fear of confined spaces can be so restricting.


Woman: But I'm a little scared that Father Michael won't be too impressed.

2nd Woman:  The Church teachers us not to have sex outside marriage.

Woman:  You don't think I could be excommunicated do you?

2nd Woman: What, totally expelled from the Catholic church?

Woman: You see my dilemma?.

2nd Woman: The choice of two paths.

Woman: I need a coffee. Let's go to Mall.

2nd Woman: It's the kind of big shopping center experience every woman needs at a time like this. So many shops all under one roof.

Woman: We'll have to take the bus my car failed the MOT.

2nd Woman: You're right, you can't drive your car without its annual test of roadworthiness which is applied to vehicles overs three years old in the UK. Of course the MOT is now a misnomer as the name derives from the Ministry of Transport which was one of several ancestors of the current Department of transport but is still officially used...

Sorkin is absolutely right. but there are other writing crimes (one day we may get around to doing a list), here's another - "As you know..."
It's used as a shorthand way of delivering a fact but it is one of the clumsiest, least believable tools in the box:

"As you know I am your father...
"As you know, you are a nuclear physicist" or
"As you know you are Adolph Hitler".

Sorkin's dialogue is fast and unrelenting. He expects the audience to have to work to keep up and when we have to listen hard don't we concentrate and enjoy it all the more? Don't stop to explain, don't assume your audience is thick - how patronizing is that? In an age when we are surrounded by so many things that talk down to us, anyone with the ambition to talk up has to be applauded.

Golden Globes and Ballsing up Awards

Golden Globe Winners 2011

So, now we know. Colin Firth is officially a good actor, Social Network is a good film, Robert De Niro has been in lots of good things (blank out the last ten years) and Natalie Portman put herself through hell to add ballet to her 'specialist skills'. The Golden Globes kicked off the scramble for this years top TV and Film Awards, pointing the way to possible Oscar winners. This morning we heard the nominations for the 2011 BAFTA awards - although these days they split up Film and TV into two separate ceremonies, it's so glitzy film people from Yogi Bear The Movie don't have to rub up against trashy TV people like the cast of Cranford. 

The awards season prickles with electricity. TV channels go overboard to screen them, sending their best people out to interview stars on the red carpet, step forward Fern Cotton and George Lamb. Journos write yards of copy about who's wearing what, what they should have worn and why wearing a dress is so last century anyway. It's all part of the hooplah.

I've been involved in a few awards ceremonies, as a Producer (if there's shit flying it's flying in your direction). as Executive Producer (let the producers do all the work then swan around on the day like you masterminded the whole thing), as a nominee and occasional winner and as a writer.

Writing the host's script sounds like the easiest gig in television. The best hosts make it look easy. Ricky Gervais plays to the room, he doesn't care who he insults or if the jokes mean anything to the wider audience.  Believe me, a room full of industry people is not a room sitting there ready to laugh. It's a tough gig. Gervais does it well - he doesn't so much ruffle feathers as pluck the bird while it's screaming.

The last time I was involved in writing the script was fifteen years ago. A very big TV name (I'll not name him but he's tall, curly haired and knocks around with a couple of petrol-heads) was one of two hosts. His co-host was a not such a big name but she was talented and sweet and lovely and therefore not working anymore. We scripted the links, put in the jokes, loaded the autocue and went off for a drink. Everything was fine.

Except it wasn't.


By the time we got back the room was filling with TV types and the hosts were avoiding the writers. This was because our tall TV star had decided he didn't like any of the script - it had been agreed for days - and had rewritten the whole thing whilst we were in the bar.
Okay.
He'd decided to give it a bit more edge, have a dig at a few people in the room.
Okay.
He though his stuff was better.
Fine.
Believe me I have no ego at all about this kind of writing. There are times to fight for every line, there are times to scrap over a joke and there are times to sit back and say - fine, no problem, whatever works for you.

But in rewriting the host had misread the occasion. This was a room full of pretty tough TV production types; they may have cared about the category in which they'd been nominated, they may have cared about winning but they sure as hell didn't care about laughing along with the witty script. For many this was a works outing. They weren't seated in an auditorium but at tables, where they'd just eaten - and drunk...and drunk...and drunk.

The writers had been warned about this. Our script was quick and amusing, didn't rely on waiting for laughs but ploughed on through. The new script, with it's barbs and caustic asides relied upon reaction from the room. Laughter was expected.

It never arrived.

I've been to too many awards ceremonies over the years but this one was the lead balloon. There was only one table that cared about what was happening on stage that night. The writer's table. Oh how we lapped it up. Every boo, hiss and pregnant pause was greeted by the smug knowing looks and contented faces around me. We were in our own little bubble and the air was thick with schadenfreude. The material was dying but we knew we couldn't be bollocked. The producers had gone along with the star's rewrite. It was the only night in my writing career when I was happy not to get a laughs. I know that sounds harsh but our efforts had been cast aside, what did we care.

Sometimes you don't need to win an award, sometimes  it's enough to suck the cheque.

Witter

I get a lot of hits from Twitter referrals so for the next few paragraphs I'm treading very carefully. You see, I've come up with an idea that just might (say it quietly) topple the mighty Twitter - I'm calling it Witter. Yup, it sounds kind of similar but actually that is where the resemblance ends. My idea is to encourage all those famous funny people to come over to my site where they can relax and just be Funny because Witter is all about Wit.

No longer will they feel the need to commentate on their lives. No longer will they need to update us on such minutia  as "Going into bathroom to cut toe-nails", though the knowledge that a fine comic goes to the bathroom to clip his nails is fascinating and illuminating and a positive ice breaker at parties, "I see (insert name of red nosed clown) just popped off to clip his big pinky".
which can then be met with the rejoiner, "Ah yes but he's now popped out for a coffee".

Here are some recent Tweets by top comedic talent:


Just got back from going out for coffee.

Raining, Again. Coat or mac?

Can't stand woman over the road she looks at me every time I take in the milk.

Anyone know if they still do Victory V's ?

Off to Collumpton with the kids. Don't think I've spelt that right.

The mac's not bloody waterproof. (wet shirt now)

You can get them in Sturriges Olde Worlde Sweete Emporium. Brighton. (Victory V's)

Why do I own three polo shirts? I never play polo. Never have, never will.

Bastard Jag just cut me up.

It's Cullompton.

I use chicken stock instead of water.

My plan is that over on "Witter" all these mundane little details will be expunged from the conversation and snappy one liners will grow in their stead. So, instead of shared Tweets with Peter Andre about his latest photo shoot or Fern Cotton telling us about her shopping excursion to Tesco Express with Leona Lewis we can prepare to howl long and hard at the the droll and witty remarks of our finest comic brains.

But of course this is fantasy. I have neither the technical talent or know-how to write a computer programme to bring this hilarious idea to fruition. If only.

Ah well.

You can follow me on twitter @lazlovictor

...Off to have a wee.

The Death of the Cliff-Hanger

‘Emmerdale’ fans were up in arms this week after a TV listings magazine spoiled the outcome of the fire storyline by printing the names of the characters who perished in the blaze.
While this incident does appear to have been a mistake, it is becoming increasingly difficult – or should that be impossible? – to avoid finding out what’s going to happen in the soaps in advance'. 
So writes Soap Insider.

When you pick up a book, do you flip to the end and read the last page? Actually, to properly know who, what. when, where and why you'd probably have to read the last chapter and I don't think people do that. Do they? Really? And armed with this information do they then settle down to read from the beginning?

Perhaps such people exist but why ruin a good story? I am not a big soap watcher. Once upon a time I made it a point never to miss Coronation Street and of them all it is the one I dip in and out of occasionally - it's always good - but as a regular, strapped to the chair, gotta know what's going on soap addict I fail miserably. It's the time and dedication they demand, I fall short. But were I to plunge in and make the necessary commitment I would hate, loathe and detest to know what was going to happen. What is the point?
And yet, storylines are leaked to the press, whole magazines exist purely to tell you what is coming up. If the show isn't gripping viewers enough the promise of what is to come shouldn't make one iota of difference.

I have two particular pet hates where this practice is concerned.

ONE  I do not want to watch a movie trailer that lasts four minutes and gives me every major plot point and twist in the story three weeks before I see the film. But if you regularly go to the cinema you cannot help but expose yourself to these aberrations of marketing.

TWO TV series that trail the next episode at the end. We've just watched a gripping, taught, high-stakes episode of, lets say, Dexter. He is on the point of being exposed as the serial killer he is and then CUT TO scenes from the next episode that make it abundantly clear this aint gonna happen. So why did I bother investing 50 minutes of my life watching. I'll tell you why - I like the show. The bit stuck on the end is nothing to do with it. It is the monster child of some ad man. I want my cliff-hanger to be a cliff-hanger. I don't want the bubble burst by some little shit who decreed 'thou shalt trail ahead at the end of thy show'. Sorry, Mister, I turn off before I find out. Ha! Gotcha.

Both come down to the same thing. Terror.

Terror that they've spent all this money making this movie and no-one will come unless we make it pretty obvious that this is their kind of movie and to do that let's show them how much their kind of movie it is.

Terror that you will not return to see the next exciting episode of this TV show that cost millions and will be axed unless we get really good numbers week on week.

Writers hate it. Why would you spend all that time in your pit desperately trying to hide all the plot points only for some ejit in marketing to destroy the suspense. Why not put up a placard at the start of the show that says some thing like: it doesn't matter what happens in this episode everything will be fine, none of your favourite characters die. It's like going on a roller coaster that stops every thirty seconds while somebody tells you about the next part of the ride. How does that make the experience better.

Which is why when people ask if I have any inside knowledge on plotlines I always say yes and then spin them a yarn about how so-and-so gets a sex change and then dies in a horrible umbrella accident and how everyone who goes to his/her funeral picks up e-coli poisoning from the sausages at the wake, meanwhile a drugs baron goes on the warpath when he accidentally picks up the wrong puffa jacket in the laundrette....

Where's Matt?

I wrote a few days ago about how I was looking forward to seeing Episodes, the new comedy from David Crane (Friends) and Jeffrey Klarik (Mad About You). Last night we got to see the first Episode in the UK, it was shown the previous night in the US.
My wife caught it before me and made a report before I sat down to watch. Her mouth made that wavy line you see on cartoon characters when all is not well.
"Really?", I asked.
"Really", she said.
Hmm, she still has her Christmas cold, I told myself. Maybe her funny wasn't working.

I've seen it now and so far wry smiles, no belly laughs, not the wavy-line mouth but then I'm in the trenches, Mrs Lewis is a civilian. If you live in the TV world any show on the subject will draw you in but how much is there for people outside the industry? That's why programme commissioners don't like fictional TV shows about TV. The Larry Sanders Show was a work of rare genius and even that was only watched by eleven people in the UK. But I'm an optimist and I truly want new comedies to succeed. Here's hoping for better in future Episodes. I live by the maxim: never, ever, ever judge a comedy by its pilot.
Don't get me wrong, it was amusing. It had nice pictures, solid performances, Richard Griffith very amusing, very funny gag about filling an enormous bath and I really like Stephen Mangan and Tamsin Greig but something wasn't right. Was it the rhythms? American lines in British mouths don't always sit well. Maybe.

I think there was a structural problem. 


Watching an interview with the writers they state, "At the heart of the show is the relationship between John and Beverley (Stephen Mangan and Tamsin Greig) and Matt LeBlanc". This is their golden triangle, to reiterate: the heart of the show.

Let's just think about that a moment. The heart. What is a heart? Come on, humour me. Boy at the back, "It's a pump". Correct. In the human body the heart pumps the blood around, if the heart stops or if there's  problem with it,  the body doesn't work properly or it dies. Thank you. Class dismissed.

But in the first Episode part of the heart is missing. In setting up the story of how two BAFTA winning writers are lured to the States to make an American version of their hit British show, only to have their avuncular lead character, hitherto played by Richard Griffith, replaced by Matt LeBlanc, there is no Matt LeBlanc (I'm disregarding 30 seconds at the top of the show before it flashes back). Yes, there is mention of him, he's the punchline to the show, but he's not actually, properly in it.
I know it's the pilot, I know they are setting up their world but consider this; no Niles in the pilot of Frasier, no Hawkeye in episode one of MASH, or Dexter in Dexter. How about no Joey in the pilot of Friends. Would David Crane have said, "We have this really funny other Friend who comes in in episode two" no.

If the heartbeat of the show is based on three characters why were the three characters not all there in Episode one? I may not judge a show by its pilot but a lot of people do. It doesn't matter who you are or what your track record is, we all make mistakes but why did no-one say, hang on, where's Matt?

Randy, Me and the Music

I was looking for something in the office yesterday - a piece of paper that I'd written the secret of writing on - when I came across a brown envelope, addressed to me but never opened. Inside I discovered a photo, of me, taken in the early eighties when I was working as a presenter on a BBC radio station. A friend had found it and posted it to me and for some reason I'd put it in the office and never opened it. Until yesterday.
So, now I'm standing looking at me from thirty years ago - so much hair. I showed my wife and she said, "Oh yeah, that's when you looked like Randy Edelman".
I never looked like Randy Edelman says I - but Google is a quick and terrible beast.

Hmm. Okay. Maybe, just a little.

Mr Edelman had some hit records in the UK in the seventies, notably "Uptown Uptempo Woman" and "You". He is best known these days for his TV and Movie scores. He wrote music for Ghostbusters II, Twins, Beethoven, Kindergarten Cop, The Mask and contributed music to The Last of the Mohicans.Most recently he scored The Mummy: Tomb of The Dragon Emperor.

But my favourite old song of his is "The Woman On Your Arm". Okay  a little schmaltzy but schmaltzy was good back then and I've always been a sucker for a story song. I don't often admit it but I know all the words to "The Gambler" and "Coward of the County" both of which inspired screen adaptations; one a TV series the other a TV movie.

Say what you like about 80's country music but I doubt anyone is going to make a movie based on a Lady Gaga offering. 

Mickey Rourke to play Terry-Thomas. Huh?

I must have read the words Rourke 'to remove teeth for Thomas role' before I'd had my second cup of Earl Grey this morning. I can't have been properly awake but here's what I thought I was being asked to believe; that Mickey Rourke star of The Wrestler and Angel Heart was going to play Terry-Thomas in a new screen biopic.

I tried to visualize him as the gap-toothed English film comedy actor of the 50's and 60's and, I don't know, it just wasn't working for me. I know he's had a lot of work done on that face but surely he'd have to have more than a couple of teeth removed to play the great TT?

Terry-Thomas

Mickey Rourke

Then I caught up with the rest of the story.

Mickey Rourke will remove his two front teeth when he plays gay rugby player Gareth Thomas. And he wants to learn Welsh for the sporting biopic.

What?

Apparently, "He really wants to throw himself into Welsh and Rugby and really learn as quickly as he can". From what I glean, Mr Rourke has been working on a movie about Gareth Thomas since last July. He admires Thomas for performing at rugby's highest level while keeping his sexuality a secret.

I can see there could be a good story there. But I can't for the life of me get my head around Mickey Rourke learning Welsh - or making any passable attempt at a Welsh accent. What I'm imagining is another contender for "The Weird Accent File".

Here are the standout entries:

* Mel Gibson's  Aussie/ American/Scotts burr from Braveheart


* Kevin Costner and Christian Slater as English Longbowmen in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. The big revelation was that they were brothers. Of course they were brothers - they were the only ones in the movie with American accents.

* Nicholas Cage's attempts at an Italian accent in Captain Correlli's Mandolin. But hang on, he comes from Italian stock - and he couldn't do the accent? Yeash. 


* Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Move along, we all saw the accident, no need to gloat. But honestly I had absolutely no idea he was attempting Cockney. No idea. Not an inkling. Never crossed my mind. Didn't put the two in the same room until I was well into my twenties. 

* Don Cheadle Oceans 11. Oy vey.  


There are many, many others. But let's not forget there are lots of examples of really good English accents by Americans. Gwyneth Paltrow can do it, so to Scarlett Johansson and Johnn Depp.


I wrote on a movie set in wales, "Plotz with a View Undertaking Betty". It starred Welsh, English and American actors. 
I suppose if the lovely Naomi Watts can carry off a Welsh accent maybe the lovely Mickey Rourke can do the same.

Episodes

The new comedy Episodes starts next week, 9th January on Showtime in the US, the following evening on BBC2 in the UK. The series stars Tamsin Greig, Stephen Mangan and Matt LeBlanc (playing a 'version' of himself) and revolves around the madness that is the American television industry. If you watched Aaron Sorkin's Studio 60 on The Sunset Strip or 30 Rock or The Larry Sanders Show you'll already have some notion of what goes on behind the scenes.

Television commisioners are forever telling writers they don't want scripts about the TV inudustry. Not interested.  Go away. The only people interested in the behind the scenes stories are television people. But when the scripts come from David Crane who co-created Friends and Jeffrey Klarik, scribe of Mad About You the suits sat up and listened.

I would never judge any new series on the quality of the trailers but, I have to say, they look pretty good and I'm already looking forward to seeing an Episode.

It doesn't matter what industry you work in everyone has experience of nut jobs in the office or factory. It just seems that television attracts a certain type of whacko. I worked as a Producer for an Executive who frequently started a sentence with one thought and ended it with something contradictory. He'd tell lies so huge I believe he believed them himself. What he had was a charismatic personality an easy laugh and enough years in the business to suggest experience. So many people fall for that. 

He once asked me to create a new show for BBC1, "What are you looking for?" I asked him. I didn't realise that I was putting him on the spot, something he wasn't used to. He thought for a moment and then said, "I see blue". And that was my brief.

Another time I was instructed to come up with a show where we'd hide cameras on a zebra crossing and wait for someone to use it. As they crossed the road so a 'celebrity' would appear, crossing in the opposite direction. The 'real person' would then say something along the lines of 'fancy meeting you here' (the suggested title) and they'd strike up a conversation. When I pointed out that A) it was a terrible idea and B) filming two people on a zebra crossing might get adverse reactions from drivers and C) actually it wasn't just terrible it was shit on toast I was told I was being negative.It's my experience that the good stuff filters up the chain. It rarely comes from the top down.

Here's an idea I've just had, you're welcome to it if you can make it play : I see mauve.... Now, take it from there.

When In Rome

To adopt an accent or not, that is the question. Zen, the newest addition to the BBC stable of policemen, is Italian - not that you'd know it from the way he speaks. "Set in and around Rome, and based on the best-selling novels by the late Michael Dibdin, the series features many of the combined attractions of Italy and the Dibdin novels – thrilling investigations, fun, warmth and beautiful people". Those are the words of the BBC press office announcing that Rufus Sewell had been cast in the lead role. Nothing there about the tricky problem of what to do when you set a series for British consumption in a country where - dammit - they have their own language.

Wallander took the Van Der Valk route. Many years ago Barry Foster played a Dutch Policeman solving crimes in Amsterdam, again a British TV show for a British TV audience. English was spoken by everyone concerned but the dialogue had a Dutch feel. Wallander had everyone speaking English but it also retained a Swedish feel. The producers of Wallander have also produced Zen but here we have a mish-mash of accents. Zen speaks in an English accent, his best friend has a tinge of Irish, the bad guy was rough-neck out of the RSC, Zen's mother speaks English with an Italian accent as does the woman in his life. Hmmm. All a bit confusing.

And where were the waving arms? I live next door to an Italian, he can't say "Good morning" without describing forty shapes in the air. Surely if you are going to create a series set in  Italy it should have some Italian characteristics, otherwise why not set it in Bolton? (Perhaps there is an Italian series set in Bolton where suave, handsome, Italian men race around Topp Way and Folds Road depicting Lancashire's finest bobbies in rich Italian tones).

Whether to adopt an accent is always a tough call.

I remember when Michael Caine was chosen to play a German officer in The Eagle Has Landed, people wondered what kind of mangled Cockney/Tutonic garble would be the result. What he cleverly did was play the character speaking a kind of clipped English, thus giving the impression of German without resorting to 've haf vays off making you tok". In Zen the inconsistencies in the actors accents have a habit of getting in the way of the story. Which is a shame because it was a good yarn.

But I do have other niggles, you see Rome is one of my favourite places on Earth: the history, the architecture, the fashion-conscious people. I love it. And anyone who has every been will know that every car - and I mean EVERY car - has at least one dent in it if not half a dozen. Not Zen's. Also, the Eternal city is crawling with priests and nuns and the Light there is fantastic. Well, we didn't see a dent in a car or a cleric and why did they chose to shoot Rome like it was Sweden? The picture was graded in a similar fashion to the Wallander episodes.That I found peculiar.

I know, I'm carping. But you see how a problem with the way people speak can set me off. Let me say this; there is much in Zen to enjoy. I can forgive the pristine cars and the lack of nuns, I hope I don't get distracted by the lack of Italian sunshine but I wouldn't be surprised if the inconsistent accents don't bug a lot of people - not just me.

Hopes for A New Year

For the past few days broadcasters, journalists and bloggers have been reviewing the last twelve months, picking out the highs and the lows the good and the bad.

I'd like to look forward - not to what I know is coming but to what I would like to see and hear.

Let me begin with Radio
So much of what I hear is the same. Commercial radio seems to be stuck with 'the best music mix' concept. Every station can't have the best music mix, there have got to be some out there with the worst. Unfortunately most stations offer up the 'same music mix'. Long gone are the days when stations tried to sound different, these days they all follow the same pattern, the same chart records, the same lame DJ's. My hope is that out of this porridge someone, somewhere will have the guts to do something different.

Last year I discovered BBC 6 Music. It ploughs a different furrow, one where the influence of Simon Cowell on the record industry cannot be felt. I know where I'll be tuning for my music.

Is there any chance that Radio 4 might loosen up a bit? It's tough when you're the best speech radio station in the world to admit that there's so much that is old fashioned and stuffy. Test Match Special has managed to reinvent itself for a younger audience (50!) without dumbing down, perhaps some of the others programmes could follow suit.

Finally, please God Danny Baker recovers from the cancer that has kept him off our radios. He is truly the Mozart of Talk Radio.

Television
Money is tight. Times is tough. But would it be so hard to order a few more episodes in a drama series? British television has always preferred short commissions, six episodes of a drama, six sitcoms.  But now it's getting silly. Three. Two. My hope is that there will be more confidence in good projects. When you believe in something show the audience. Downton Abbey gave people the opportunity to find it. Upstairs Downstairs was all done and dusted in three consecutive nights. U/D knocked the dramatic spots off DA but as DA was first out of the traps U/D is now fighting for attention. I'm sure there's lots of folk who'd appreciate a few more episodes of their favourite shows - and god knows writers needs shows to write.

I really really hope British Entertainment shows discover some more words. Presenters vocabularies have shrunk to such a point that I believe there are only twenty odd words left that are considered acceptable. "There can only be one winner...I can now reveal...the phone lines are now open/closed...going home this week..." PLEASE can we agree that all shows DON'T have to follow the same form and don't have to use the same bloody words! There, I've used up my exclamation mark for the year. I think I may be hitting my head against a brick wall here.

Finally Movies
More money for development. More films made in the UK and more intelligent action films - see Inception. Bourne showed the way, Inception has put the bar even higher. You can have car chases, explosions and brain puzzles that people will flock to. Michael Bay be warned.

Happy New Year.